i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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