i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
