he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
