can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
