so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
