Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
