Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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