Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
