hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
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