if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
