i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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