My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
