Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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