dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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