Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
