WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
