were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
