After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
