I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
In America we eat man semen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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