cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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