FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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