It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
