ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
