Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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