I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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