I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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