So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
