at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
