the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.