What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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