is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
