If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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