I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
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last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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