Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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