Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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