Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
