I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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