come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
