can we get nightvision for the apartment?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
