Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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