TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
