My brain says no but my pants say off.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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