Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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