I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
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I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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