Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
