Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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