its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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