so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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