If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
