Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Two words: blizzard sex
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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