If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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