Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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