My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize