I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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