You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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