hotel room ftw
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
