My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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