For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
