K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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