Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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