he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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